30 Oct 2017

11 And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 And after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper.^a 13 And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

1 Kings 19, ESV version

My Lord, My God,

I sought you out in the midst of my pain.
You were not there.
I sought you out in the midst of my confusion.
You were not there.
I felt angry and alone, for when I sought you,
You were not there.

You were not there.

I did my best, Lord.
I sought out the best ways, oh God.
I pushed myself to be responsible, and to do what I should,
And all I found was pain, and terror,
And I sought you,
And you turned your head.

Day after day, month after month,
I sought you, but you turned your face from me,
Your radiance shone not upon me,
Your spears and arrows smote me,
I lay gasping, broken, grasping to live,
And I turned my back on you in return.

I was wrong, my Lord.

You were there in the midst of the pain,
But the pain eclipsed you.
You were there moving me out of danger,
But terror made me fear man more than You.
I put the burdens upon my shoulders,
Because I learnt not to trust You.

My dreams became my purpose.
My hopes became my food.
My work became my escape,
And I trusted not in You,
I worked for my living,
Not because of You, oh Lord, but for myself.

I sought to give, because you loved me.
I sought to fight for right.
I made hopes in things untrustworthy,
I numbed myself when the pain got too much.
Pragmatism became my cry,
And I turned my own head, oh Lord.

The gospel is not one of works, oh Lord!

I struggled with my despair,
I served you with all my heart,
I gave when I could not give anymore,
Thinking all these meant I was on the right path.
I swerved not to the right nor the left,
Not seeing that I was on the wrong path altogether.

Forgive me for my wrong understanding.

And so You let me fall.
Into darkest pits, into horror stricken nights.
Into nightmares, and wayfares, of pain and torture.
Away from my dreams, away from my hopes,
Away from what I thought was real and tangible,
Away from the loneliness.

For in the midst of the pain, Lord, You stood firm
You moved mountains when my faith was not strong enough.
You guided me to safe harbour,
You surrounded me with bastions of love.
You gave me hope in the midst of despair,
You stripped away what was false.

You have always remained true.

Your love, and your goodness shine in my face,
From the moment I wake to the moment I sleep.
My tears relieve me, and you answer my prayers,
Though the answers may not be what I wanted.
The pain that I go through may not have reason,
But the pain helps me to find reason in this life.

My Lord,
I pray for forgiveness, for turning away.
I pray for hope, for each step for the day.
I pray for strength, to do the tasks You set.
I pray for grace, to fall forward instead of back.
I pray for love, to care for what I do.
I pray for comfort, to love myself more.
I pray for peace, for the road ahead.
I pray for the Spirit to work within me.
I pray, that when I fall, I will never forget You are there.

The road ahead is clouded,
As always it has been.
Yet now I know I have to rely on You,
I expect nothing more than that.
I seek, still for myself,
but to commune with You at work.

I now know what matters,
And what matters not in Your sight.
But I am still weak and fallen,
And struggling to breathe at times.
I pray that You will guide me,
For every step of the way

I shall trust in You, oh Lord.

I shall bathe my pillow with tears,
I shall not turn away from my fears.
For now I can give them up to Thee.
And for once, actually feel free.
I seek your face, and I find,
That you have always been there to shine.

You have always loved me,
since the day I was born.
You have given me purpose,
Though I never thought purpose could be found.
You have strengthened me with strength,
When I had no more strength to crawl.

You protected me.

Lord, I dare not say I will always trust.
I dare not look at You sometimes.
I dare not take a step ahead,
Because I fear to fall.
The road ahead is uncertain,
But now I know what’s clear.

You are there with me.

I still pray for help Oh Lord,
For the pain in my unbelief.
I pray for relief from the tears,
That threaten to spill in my pain.
I pray for strength for each day,
To simply get out of bed,

I pray for hope refreshed,
That I seek You instead of wisps.
I pray that You will open doors,
And that I will step through in humility.
I pray that You will give me peace,
For every choice that I make.

Help me Lord, to be a father,
To be a husband,
To be a friend to those in need,
To be a son, a brother,
To be a provider of care and love,
To be Yours.

I thank you Oh Lord, for keeping me.

Now this last bit I shall pray,
That I learn to manage my way.
With your help and the Spirit,
Please Lord, keep my lamp lit.
Make me a vessel as Your light,
Among those who need help in order to fight.

Guide my path, Lord.

No matter what happens.

I pray this in Jesus’ name.

Amen.

 

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