This is the most pleasurable chapter to write – I have so many thanks to give, just to be able to live, and to be able to write my story for others to read.

Thank you, God, for saving me from my sins through Jesus Christ, and for saving me from myself. I am sure the Holy Spirit was the one who guided my steps into the hospital, and kept me safe these few weeks.

Thank you, my sweet and beautiful wife. If not for your constant companionship, I would have forgotten my reasons for living, and if not for your constant support and encouragement, I would have given up years ago. You are my earthly anchor, granted by God, and I still remember how beautiful you looked when you came to visit me both times in the ward. I love you.

Thank you, our best friend and my second pillar of support. I have no words for how much a difference you’ve made to our lives, and despite never having helped a person with depression before, you did everything right, and ensured my wife was taken care of emotionally during my absence. We both love you beyond measure, and you are always a beautiful being. Remember that.

To my sons, when you read this, you were too young to know that I was that close to taking my own life. By the time you read this, I hope that you are old enough to understand that it was not your fault that I came that close, and I also hope that I would have had a chance to sit down and explain everything to you. You were too young to become fatherless, and I thank God that He kept me from making the ultimate mistake. I love you both so much, and hope I never betray you this way again.

To my dad and my siblings, I am sorry for making you worry. You love me more than I know, and I am thankful. To my sisters, you were both there when I needed advice, and to my eldest sister, you were so important in keeping me sane, listening to me without judging, and making sure I never felt alone. My brother, you were unwell and yet you kept visiting me, even if it’s near your home. I love you all.

To my parents-in-law, thank you so much for your love and quiet concern. You have made sure that you didn’t ask me too much, and your visit was unexpected and so welcome. I love you both, and pray you will both continue to stay healthy.

To my Discipleship group, my Bible study group, your prayers kept me safe, and your prayers brought me the relief I needed. You never gave up on me, and you never judged me. You loved me, and sheltered me in your care. You visited me when I needed company, and every one of you made a difference. I am thankful for all of you. You show me the love of Christ in action.

To my pastor and wife, I thank you for your prayers and that visit, and the love that you have showered upon our church, and my family. You are both always in our prayers. I will try to learn to surrender to God more, even if it will take the rest of my life.

To my brother in Christ who pointed me to the Counselling Care Center, thank you. Your kind words helped me remember I’m not alone, even if I would forget that in my pain. Yet you helped me to last longer, long enough to get the help I needed.

To the two ex-colleagues who came to visit and helped me talk things through, you really don’t know what a huge difference your understanding and presence made. You helped me to release the poison and started the recovery. I owe you guys a huge lunch. At a buffet restaurant somewhere where you won’t bankrupt me, maybe. I thank you both. I’d say I love you both, but you’d probably punch me.

To those who heard in one way or another that I’d been warded, or that I was sick, I thank you all for caring so much, and supporting me gently. Your gentleness and care has helped me to know that I’m not rejected despite being ill this way.

To my senior and my reporting officer at work, I thank you for allowing me to rest without worrying about work. You were right. Health is more important. And you helped me to regain that health by supporting and allowing the mental care health professionals to care for me without having me worry about work. You made a huge difference. Thank you so much.

To Drs Julian and Dale Lim, at Newlife Clinic, thank you for caring for me, and for always being there. The extra call from your clinic to remind me of your availability really touched me and helped me remember, even for a while, that help is within reach. 

To Regina, who works at the call center in NTFGH, I hope you get in touch with me. You put me on the right path, and possibly are instrumental in saving my life. Please, continue the good work you have been doing.

To the admitting doctor and the on-call emergency doctor at IMH on the night of 17th Aug 2017, you made the right call. You saved my life. I thank you. Please continue to do your sterling work, to save those in need of help.

To Sister Margaret of IMH, thank you so much for allowing me my phone for one night. Your empathy meant so much to me, and stabilised me enough to accept that I would be at IMH for a while longer.

To the doctors and nurses of ward 22A, IMH, I stayed only one night, but you did your best for everyone. Some of us were not easy to handle. Your patience is amazing. I salute and thank you. To the doctors – you gave me sympathy when I least expected it. Thank you so much.

To the doctors and nurses of ward 20A, IMH, you hosted my stay for 6 days. You were patient, caring, and concerned. You provided the environment that helped me to be well enough to come home. You guys are unsung heroes. Thank you!

To the patients of ward 20A, including and especially those whom I’ve gone back to visit, you guys were excellent fellow patients. You cared for me even when you needed care, and you talked to me even if you didn’t feel like it at times. It was never fun, but I would like to at least hope that I could bring some light into your lives. I pray for all of us to recover, and never need to return to the ward, though I’m sure that may be an impossible hope for some of us.

To you, the reader, thank you for bearing with my long story.

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