35. Resigned

1st Nov 2017

I’ve finally done it. I’ve just shot off my resignation letter.

I met my director yesterday, and the HR team, my director and my manager have all been very kind. I will officially be unemployed end November, and they’ve bent over backwards to ensure that I’ve been taken care of. I am very thankful for that.

But of course, my feelings are still mixed.

I’ve been in IT for my entire adult career. To step out like this was never on the cards, even if the idea of moving completely away from IT has always been an idea I’ve played with since a few years ago, when I discovered working directly with people being more fulfilling for me. But not to exit on the heels of depression.

I have regrets, unfortunately. I seldom do, and I can say with honesty that I do not regret the depression one bit. But I regret not getting to know more people. I regret not knowing the people in my lunch group better, as I was not able to be too social just before the depression hit. I regret not trying to say more to those in my Orientation Group. But I’m at least happy that my regrets are all about people.

I will come to terms with this at some point. My regrets, as well as whether or not IT is the path that I need to take. I should be excited at some level, and I still feel some numbness, because it’s a momentous thing for me to commit to anything, and a resignation is basically that. I tentatively want to speak about my illness at the end of November to a group of people – more of that when it happens, and if it happens – but I don’t know whether this will be the way God has planned for me.

I shared with my Bible study group that my current phase of life has me really trying to live each day for its own. My peer support group leader asked if I wanted to make any three-month or six-month goals. How can I? I know God has those in hand, and if my plans end up not matching His, I’ll be thrown for a loop and end up being disappointed again. I’d rather just see a few steps ahead, and take each one carefully and humbly, testing the stones under my feet to make sure I don’t slip, not to make sure that it can hold my weight. God put them there. They’ll hold me. It’s me I don’t trust.

So I’ve resigned. The part that’s slowly emerging again in me that says take it one step at a time applauds and says, good job, it’s ok, take it one day at a time. Ask for help as needed. And just rest in God and get your health and thoughts back into order.

The other part is crying a little at what could have been.

But overall, I’m more content than not. I just have to let the situation sink in some more, and then move on to the next step that God has set before me.

Also, now I’ve got a new email sign-off that I use for everyone. It’s a very important sign-off, in my opinion.

Be well.

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