I’m frustrated today. I’ve been for a few days now, and I’m not really sure why.
What better time to write out my frustration with a core part of me known as my inner critic?
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Overthinking overthinking
The thing about depression – as with many similar conditions, or even for people without depression, is this thing called overthinking. Along with oversensitiveness, this is almost unanimously something that everyone seems to want to get rid of. “If only I could stop overthinking!” “Am I overthinking this again?”
So I want to make it my unenviable task – to reclaim overthinking from the annals of the “DO NOT TOUCH” books, and see just how depression and overthinking are linked, in a layman way, and what to do about it – if we don’t aim to get rid of it.
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When a call to help, helps me
I find it hard to blog nowadays, as my therapy inches along. For the first time ever, I’ve struggled to speak about the issue we’re dealing with, whether in therapy or to my long-suffering wife. In therapy, I force the words out while clenching on to my plush toy. To my wife, I’ve tried to speak, but failed miserably, staring at the laptop to avoid looking at her because the words just would not come out.
I changed therapists again recently, as my therapist resigned from the institution. I didn’t ask where she’s going because even if she’s going into private practice, that’s not something I can afford. My new therapist and I have had some growing pains, but she told me something I struggle to agree with. Even turning up for therapy – despite being scared, despite feeling like this might be more trouble than it’s worth, no matter how tired I am, was something that she said was brave and worth acknowledging.
I struggle with this concept.
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Balancing Perspective and Responsibility
The other day, I shared a post on Facebook that seemed pretty self-explanatory. It received some pushback which puzzled me. Here’s the post:
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Tired? Again?
TW: Suicide. Like if you feel uncomfortable about suicide, or you have suicidal tendencies, DO NOT READ. Seek help. Talk to someone. Please.
Please?
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Looking back
Time itself is ephemeral, days, months and years even more so. We keep time and dates simply to help us organise ourselves in our heads, and as societies. Yet somehow, at the end of every year, the urge to take stock is there. We should, after all, always look back and see how we’ve done this year. As we should every year.
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Learning to Love… Myself
I’m really sorry for the long delay in updates. I’ve been in my mind so much that it requires a lot of discipline to sit down and try to sort through stuff and express myself on the screen.
That hurts more than you’d think… but well.
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Another Word for Exhaustion
An apology and an update
One problem with this blog is keeping track of the chapters and what not… trying to organise it as a book has been a reason not to blog as much, because well, a living book is hard to keep track of, in terms of the dates and trying to work around WordPress’ limitations.
From this post onwards… I’m gonna declare I’m lazy. I’ll just blog, and ignore the chapters. It’ll help me to blog more frequently, when I just feel like it.
Read More »1. Dancing with Death
I almost committed suicide in August of 2017.
I’d made plans. In fact, I’d started to put part of it into action, unbeknownst to those closest to me. When my wife found out, after I was in a safe place, she was totally shocked.