TW: Suicide. Like if you feel uncomfortable about suicide, or you have suicidal tendencies, DO NOT READ. Seek help. Talk to someone. Please.
Please?
Read More »
Looking back
Time itself is ephemeral, days, months and years even more so. We keep time and dates simply to help us organise ourselves in our heads, and as societies. Yet somehow, at the end of every year, the urge to take stock is there. We should, after all, always look back and see how we’ve done this year. As we should every year.
Read More »
Learning to Love… Myself
I’m really sorry for the long delay in updates. I’ve been in my mind so much that it requires a lot of discipline to sit down and try to sort through stuff and express myself on the screen.
That hurts more than you’d think… but well.
Read More »
Another Word for Exhaustion
An apology and an update
One problem with this blog is keeping track of the chapters and what not… trying to organise it as a book has been a reason not to blog as much, because well, a living book is hard to keep track of, in terms of the dates and trying to work around WordPress’ limitations.
From this post onwards… I’m gonna declare I’m lazy. I’ll just blog, and ignore the chapters. It’ll help me to blog more frequently, when I just feel like it.
Read More »1. Dancing with Death
I almost committed suicide in August of 2017.
I’d made plans. In fact, I’d started to put part of it into action, unbeknownst to those closest to me. When my wife found out, after I was in a safe place, she was totally shocked.
2. Background to Disaster
I’m 38 years of age, as I write this. I don’t really know of much mental illness in my own family, but suicide was something I do remember from my youth. I don’t remember anyone actually committing suicide, but I do remember someone close to me threatening to kill themselves, taking a blade and bringing it into their room. That person locked the door, and when it was unlocked with the master key, the person screamed that he or she would take their own life if that was tried again.
3. The Death of Joy
My temper had been getting worse day by day, even in the workplace. My colleagues who’d been working with me for years also noted it, and quietly told me that my temper was a little out of control. The advice they all gave when I switched jobs, was to watch my temper.
4. Hope flares anew
The new job had literally fallen out of the sky. A HR recruiter had dug out my resume from an application I’d made a year ago to the organisation she was working for, and asked me if I was interested. I was, and the hiring manager wanted an interview, which I went for. Before long, background checks were done, and I was moving on to a more technical job, the type I’d been wanting for some time. I’d be dealing with new technologies, and in a large organisation that contributes directly to Singapore’s future.
5. The pain begins
The crash started at the end of a week where every night I had some form of social engagement. By Friday night, I was not able to speak after I reached home from the last engagement for the week. This happens to me now and then, and my wife and I attribute it to my introverted nature, and the low level of energy that comes from too much social activity.